A Repressor's Prayer

One day this past fall, I was riding in the car with my friend from school.  We were taking a break from studying, driving to get a coffee or maybe just driving to get away, conversing about random pieces of the law we were learning and life.  Blame it on an attention disorder, but sometimes I start saying something and the next thing I know I’ve gone so far off of the initial track that I have no clue how to get back.  This was one of those conversations. 

I’m not sure where it started, but I know the cluster of sentences that came out of my mouth ended with real tears streaming down my face at an alarming rate, my voice shaking and cracking, and my dear friend having no idea what the fu*k had just happened.  The last thing I remember saying before drying it up and pulling myself together, “I just wish I knew which memories really belonged to me, I just want to remember”.  I didn’t have a clue that day what was going on, which is funny now looking back, because I have been through this many times before. 

I didn’t know this until today, but apparently there is some controversy surrounding rather or not “repressed” memories are scientifically provable.  I can see where this paradox has derived from.  Psychoanalysts going in with a notepad full of loaded questions, essentially leading patients to conclusions about their “repressed memory”.  I’m a skeptic.  I get it. 

I’ve only been to one therapist that I enjoyed enough to stick with for more than one visit, and it was immediately following my divorce.  Needless to say, we had plenty of shit to deal with, WITHOUT ever needing to dive into my ability to repress.  That was also three years ago, so unfortunately for skeptics of repression, I’m pretty sure I haven’t been led by someone else’s bias to reach my conclusion. 

A repressed memory is simply a memory that has been “blocked” in order to avoid stress or trauma.  I think I first became aware of the term “repressed” during counseling as a teen, but it didn’t sink in much what it actually meant or how the concept would play a role in my life.  All I knew, at that time, was that I couldn’t really remember much of my childhood.  To this day, I look back at yearbooks from elementary school and it’s like I’m reading about someone else’s life.  I can only remember one person, specifically, from elementary school, Ms. Duke.  She spent a lot of one-on-one time with me in first or second grade, making sure I made it all the way to 100 AR points (.5 at a time with Berenstain Bears books).  She was small, friendly, and had hair that looked like gold.  By the time I moved in with my father I was a master-represser.  I didn’t know it at the time, I was 8 years old, but I had successfully blocked out a good majority of the years prior to then.

Fast forward to my conversation with my friend in the car last fall.  That day, in my emotional state, I figured my stress must have been coming from something from the earliest years of my childhood.  I was frustrated.  I’ve dealt with that shit, plenty of times.  Why would it be coming back up?   I tried to let it go, move on, but something kept tugging at the back of my mind. 

One of the most beautiful things about a yoga practice is meditation.  Not the goofy-humming-fingers in weird shapes above your head meditation- just stillness.  For me personally, meditation occurs all the time; Sometimes when I’m walking, sometimes when I am listening to a song that makes me feel emotionally drawn in, and sometimes while I’m doing mundane things, like showering or fixing my hair.  When I ‘meditate’ I focus on being quiet in my brain.  Listening to what is happening around me, or feeling the temperature of the air that I’m enveloped by.  I try to clear my mind and create almost a dull humming behind my eyelids.  From this humming, calming place of breathing I then simply try to relax.  Sometimes meditating is just relaxing, no epiphanies, no signs from God, no break-throughs. But occasionally something incredible happens. 

After my melt down last fall I began focusing my meditative energy towards letting go of my fear and allowing forgiveness to come into my heart.  To my surprise, it wasn’t my “childhood” that was bringing me so much anxiety.  Sure, the fact that I was able to repress, with such an astounding accuracy, is most certainly symptomatic of being a kid who had to do so all the time, in order to be okay with the world.  But the real “thing” that was haunting me happened to be something that happened when I was a teen.  Something that has taken me almost 9 years to face and accept. 

Fortunately, my life and my yoga practice have led me to a place where I truly do love myself enough, to NOT take shit too personally.  Bad things happen to people all the time, and I may be a unique snowflake but I’m still just a piece of the snowstorm.  I know that people do mean and hurtful things to one another for a plethora of reasons, but mostly they all boil down to fear and pleasure, not an evil spirit. 

I know I can forgive.  But can I forget how to repress? 

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t remember a lot of being a tiny person, and that’s fine.  And now I’m coming to terms with the fact that there is a chunk of adolescence that I have blocked out, and that’s fine too.  But, how do I come to terms with the fact that there is an invisible hand that shields my eyes and mind anytime something bad happens?  How do I teach myself to face and forgive rather than repress and forget? 

Does it all come back to forgiveness?  They (the experts) say repressors carry around a lot of guilt, not for who they are but for what has (or has not) happened to them.  This guilt, stemming from past trauma, affects present situations without the repressors knowledge of association (the invisible hand).  Disassociation of feelings from their origin leads to interferences in present relationships, both with the self and the surrounding world. 

So how do you prevent the repression & the disassociation?  How do I keep the past in the past if I can’t even remember it?  How am I supposed to associate guilt with its origin if it takes 9 years to face the origin? 

I guess forgiveness.  That’s all I can think to do, is forgive.  And when I run out of energy, I guess I’ll rest and then start forgiving some more.  I’ll forgive those from the past; I’ll forgive myself for repressing the past and allowing it to play such a hidden, destructive role in my life; and in the face of future stress and trauma I pray to God that my heart can immediately forgive so that my mind wont forget.  

Please, please, please, God just let me remember.  I can handle it.  Please.  

Dear Cosmopolitan, Seventeen, Vogue, People, and all the like

   


I grew up believing what the trash magazines told me about my body, that it would fit into a category: pear, hour glass, straight, voluptuous, stringy etc.  I assumed that my "category" or label would be fixed and stagnant.  While I suppose I have always had the good fortune of being slender, I never thought I could have a pear-shape or hour glass figure, not at least without purchasing plastic parts. 

As a pre-teen I found myself the perpetrator of jealousy and envy when the girls around me started blossoming into their curves, while I on the other hand managed to stay slim, get even taller, and somehow have stretch marks despite my lack of "lady lumps".  I can honestly say that my relationship with my body was not healthy as a teenager and young adult.  I assumed that "skinny" was all I really had and even more dangerously assumed that the only way I could possibly love myself more was if I was a smaller version, which led to bad eating habits and even worse issues of self worth (something about "loving yourself" goes out the window when you start thinking the only way you can be "good" is if there is less of you). 

Fortunately, teaching yoga has taught me two spectacular things.  First and foremost, every shape is perfect and 40 years from now if you're still alive and kicking you'll look back to however you are today and wonder where the "perfect" body you once had went (don’t believe me, ask your Grandma).  When people are new to my classes they probably don't realize that I choose to be in a sports bra most of the time, not because I really care about how I look, but because one of my first teachers in a hot vinyasa class came in every day with her bountiful curves in nothing but a sports bra and yoga pants. 

The first time I saw her body my young, very well trained, judgmental mind started to do what I did daily to my own body- analyze it, pick it apart, judge, critique... but then something happened.  Maybe it was all the "hippy talk" of yoga that made me stop looking at Her as a "body" and start recognizing that she was completely stunning, imperfections and all because she was a perfectly-imperfect human being.  Her stretch marks made mine a trait, not deserving of shame, but deserving of recognition.  Her slight skin bulging from the top of her pants made it okay that I had a little bit of love handles left over from never actually giving my self a chance to be muscular. 

So now when I'm teaching, aside form the visual pros of being able to demo bandha locks, I choose to teach my 100 degree class in a sports bra.  EVEN if I am feeling like total tubby, and trust me there are plenty of days I do, I will throw on a crop top and get out the door because I'm not confident to show off my temporary human condition of having a body, I'm confident with myself to help the other young (and maybe old) women around me feel comfortable with who they are.  To teach them it’s Okay to be comfortable and happy in your own skin.

the second thing I learned that was just as exciting as the first thing: WOMEN ARE NOT FRUIT THAT NEED TO BE CATEGORIZED.  We are effing goddesses who control our own divine destiny and if you really want to be pear shaped there ARE enough squats and clean foods out there to help that booty "blossom".  If you're like me, a skinny girl (once even referred to as a "skinny-fat girl" because I wasn't curvy but I was still soft lol) YOU CAN GET CURVES!

So here's my tip for you ANYONE who wants more of a “hour glass shape”-HEART OPENERS, HEART OPENERS, HEART OPENERS.  This version of a backbend is great for heart opening and also allows you to grow through your solar plexus chakra (the place where we keep our self confidence) improving your overall posture.  Side effects: smaller waist, longer-lengthier side bodies which can sometimes eliminate that bulging over we experience in yoga pants, especially Canadian yoga pants made by a man who needs to stop subliminally mind-humping us with Rand Indoctrination, and OVERALL a more open, confident approach to your yoga practice and your life.

as for EVERYONE, I pray you allow yourself to be confident.  If not for YOU to begin with, for others, for the people who look up to you, the brighter you allow your light to shine the more of an invitation you give to the people around you to shine as well.  So own your own skin, freaking revel in it, because you are PERFECT whether you are skin-and-bones or a little-round-dumpling.  This “human condition” of having a body is temporary, the side effects of recognizing our SOUL has eternal worth, and the worth of the souls around us, that shit is divine.  Move towards the light  xo Namaste

THE ORIGIN OF SWAG (feel free to share)

I rolled over this morning and lifted my head off of my pillow in search of a new cold spot, at the same moment Ryan began to stretch, and his elbow and my nose met in a crash.  Sweet sounds of Sunday morning played in the background, compliments of Baton Rouge, LA and Jimmy Swaggart Ministries (SBN Live).    

A combination of things kept me from immediately searching for the remote and turning on the news: 1) my eyes were watering and I thought my brain may have been impaled by my nose 2) “Silent Night” was playing and what kind of Grinch turns that off 3 days before Christmas?, and 3) Ryan seemed into it.  (The Gospel music really was beautiful).

So, by default, SBN Live provided us with a wake up call. 

SBN, otherwise known as SonLife Broadcasting Network, is broadcasted all over the world.  Prior to launching SBN to the world wide web, Swaggart and wife were bringing in around $600,000 a year + perks from his ministry.  (LET ME REITERATE THAT SALARY IS BEFORE LAUNCHING SBN, late 80s/early 90s)  (CNN)  “Even if [the Swaggart’s] have had NO salary increase [since], the current dollar value of that salary would be around $880,000 annually plus perks.  (keep on tithing people)

Post-Swaggart's 80s Scandals, (you know you remember- when he got caught with a prostitute in his JAGUAR, shortly after his public adultery confession to his poor wife and return to preaching) CNN did a little researching into Jimmy’s finances.  Evidently, Swaggart’s ministries had been funded in part by “questionable real estate transactions and tax exempt donations from hoodwinked donors” (CNN Impact Investigation).  CNN discovered from 1992-1996 over half of the ministry’s income was gained through real estate and rental income, roughly 27 million out of a total of 54 million.   (if you're still interested in his financial affairs- Google Jimmy's involvement with the estate of Zoe Vance- you'll think twice about letting your rich grandma attend church by herself; Jimmy is a real Peach) 

Isn’t that a hoot? He doesn’t have to pay property taxes and gets to lease out properties to make more money, (Sarah Palin voice inserted here) God Bless America and the Separation of Church and State… I would love to digress here and explain how that really worked out because believe it or not CHURCHES USED TO PAY JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE and the separation had way more to do with keeping church leaders OUT of the political sphere, but that’s for another time.  (This is also why I personally believe churches should be paying property taxes AGAIN…  one of these days I’ll blog on the Drug Cartel’s use of “church exemptions” in property taxes and really blow your mind)

So, you may be wondering by now, what is Whitney doing this morning?  Where did this all come from? 

This is how it happened: 

As the “new media members” names were being read, Location first, then name (because let’s face it Jimmy’s global reach is more important than the person who is being reached), I said to Ryan “You know I’m happy they are sharing the word of God, but something about this bothers me.  There is a lot of money being made here.”

Interestingly enough the “net worth” of SBN is anything but easy to locate on the world wide web.  (Definitional terms are coming to mind: Synergy, Transparency, Honesty, Integrity).  Let me be perfectly clear on something, I am not against companies or website that make a lot of money.  I love money.  There are a lot of fun things you can do with it, and more importantly there are so many LOVING and HELPFUL things you can do with it. 

What I have a problem with is this:  JSM- JIMMY SWAGGART MINISTERIES- bringing in media members from all over the world (today there were 103- one ALL THE WAY from Pakistan – aka some white dude out there passing out bibles probably).  Why is it that a man, who gets caught with his pants around his ankles in his Jaguar with a prostitute, is so easily forgiven that we allow him to “share the word of God” in his OWN F*CKING NAME- making millions of dollars off of the people he is “helping”? (Here- I’m not just talking about tithing- I’m talking about advertisement endorsements and the profits from his “catalogue” and whatever other bullshit adventures he is making money off of)

Today, one of the messages ridiculed young people for “smoking pot” and thinking it makes them closer to God.  Well I have news for Mr. Swag-

Smoking pot, getting a little hungry and a little paranoid, relaxing a little, laughing with friends, letting go of some inhibitions to have  REAL conversations with other human beings—Yea I feel closer to God doing that than I can only IMAGINE I would feel in my Jaguar (probably purchased by the tithes of my followers) getting a blow job (also possibly paid for by tithing). 

Now I know, critics of what I have to say will point out the charity work behind SBN and JSM and to them I say Touché.  

I also would like to point out (based on the assumption that Jimmy is a Jaguar-driving-man) that $75,000 spent on a Luxury Sports Car could sponsor 2,142 children on www.worldvision.org providing clean water, nutritious food, health care, education, etc. 

Philosophers from millennia ago knew all about this sort of thing, these self-serving leaders who DO NOT put the GOOD OF ALL before what is good for the self.  If we want to be led by people who have true and good character we will choose to be led by those who lead from duty not desire. 

Fortunately, my God is BIGGER THAN JIMMY SWAGGART, and will look right past his horse shit to appreciate the souls of those who have turned to JSM in search of the truth, in search of the Lord.  My God WILL love those who have been fooled by this man and his money. 

But I WILL NOT BE FOOLED and I hope that you aren’t either. 

I’m not asking for Swaggart’s beheading nor the dismantling of SBN.   But, how about a little transparency?  How about a little more HONESTY AND INTEGRITY ?

If SBN and JSM want to get on tv and tell people about sinning, they could at least do us the courtesy of being up-front.  (a public confession that you  cheated on your wife in the 80s doesn’t mean anything when you get caught just a few years later with prostitutes Jimmy).   I could care less where the man’s pants end up…  But for Christ’s sake (meant literally, not as “cursing”), start telling the truth about where all the money your making is coming from AND WHERE IT IS ENDING UP…

and by the way- he screws, he lies, he cheats, he drives fancy cars, and he makes billions off of people who are too stupid to know what is really going on.  YUP I FOUND THE SOURCE OF “SWAG”- all Jimmy Swaggart needs to do now is punch his wife in the face (or his gf/prostitute) and we will have another Chris Brown on our hands. 

You know, at least when Ryan accidentally elbows me in the face, I KNOW HE LOVES ME and didn’t mean any harm by it.  Jimmy Swaggart, on the other hand, continues to drop bows, and I can assure you it’s out of self-LOVE and he CARES NOT what anybody thinks about it (just ask FRANCIS, his wife).  No thump on a bible can mask the thunderous BOOM of self-love…. Isn’t that right Pakistan man?    

“No one can serve two masters, for either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other.  You CANNOT serve God and money.”  Matthew 6:24

Seek the TRUTH and the Light :)  

Namaste friends,    

Whitney

PS.  Thanks Jimmy- investigating your hypocrisy this morning has helped me feel closer to God.  Almost, as much as a joint would have ----  ALMOST ;)  (insert jest/sarcasm here)  

Sources: 

(I invite and welcome challenges to my sources, I dislike bad journalism just as much as the next person and will happily debunk a story that is false- even if it is my own)

Mike Siegel (Media and Communication Expert see www.mikesiegel.com)

www.CNN.com

www.People.com

www.digitaljournal.com

Beware of Your Ugly Little Troll

The ego is that ugly little troll that lives underneath the bridge, between your mind and your heart.  (Gael Greene)  The ego is subtle, it's not as vivid as the humorous prior description.  The subtle effort of the ego cannot be dispelled by the use of more effort.  When we use effort to try to eliminate the ego we just end up frustrated.  Deepak Chopra says if you want to reach a state of internal bliss, then go beyond your ego and internal dialogue.  Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge.   Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time.  

Controlling situations, seeking approval, and judging others are not conditions we are inherently given as a birth right.  They are responses to pain and turbulence in our life.  So it is natural for the mind to say, Wait a minute!  that's how I protect myself, and it's true. Those three devices probably are the way you have learned to protect yourself from feeling pain "caused by others" (in quotes because the pain is actually your reaction to the other person and has nothing else to do with the other person).  However, when you are able to let go of those three things, let go of the worldly ego, you will not be affected by the way others want to look at, treat, or interact with you.  By acting from a place of the true ego, our Divinity, we are able to be true actors rather than existing in the fog of the reactors.  Understand that when someone is treating you poorly they are most likely reacting to something that has nothing to do with you, and that is their karma.  Your karma is how you choose to react to their behavior.  Your karma is not to fix or change that other person, but to remain at a place of balance, equanimity.  

It is important to remember in life, and in yoga, that we must always practice ahimsa, non-harming/non-violence towards the self and others.  Practicing ahimsa is what keeps us from being a doormat, but also what keeps us from tearing ourselves apart over every little imperfection.  You will have days that you are moody and judgmental, days that you eat too much refined sugar and have entirely too little activity, but that's okay.  What's not okay is keeping people in your life forever for the sake of "controlling the situation" or keeping up appearances when you know that it is not well with your soul.  Now if you are in a toxic relationship with someone you might be thinking to yourself that the other person, the one who has a drinking problem or a problem with screaming foul things at you all the time, that person is the one who has the selfish, narcissistic problems.  An examination of the ego will tell you other wise.  

Remaining attached to toxic people, in hopes that we will change the other person's behavior is selfish and narcissistic.  You are only in charge of the way you act and only have responsibility over your own happiness. By remaining in situations that tear down the fabric of who we are as individuals we allow another person to consume all of our energy, to the point that we no longer have a life other than manipulating and controlling a situation that was never ours to control in the first place.  We become ugly little ego trolls.  So detach, find a place to exist where you and your beliefs do not have to be conflicted with the ways  of another, and allow that person to have the freedom to be their true self as well.  (Your partner has just as much of a right to be wrong as you have a right to be "right") 

Once again, the more we let go of what we think is ideal the better off we are able to become.  Being in touch with your true soul and spirit is a higher level of consciousness that allows one to be in every situation, experiencing the beauty and lesson, without being attached to the outcome, without dwelling on what might have been.  Imagine you are driving down a highway.  If 0 is doormat (not practicing ahimsa, letting others treat us poorly) and 100 is bull in China closet (being mindlessly controlled by the worldly Ego, consequently treating others poorly) you want to be at 50.  At 50 we are not playing "god", sacrificing our own happiness to control the lives of others, and we are also not so caught up in ourself and our physical body that we forget we have a soul to share with the people we love.  At 50 we are able to see the world as it is, not as we want it to be, and then be grateful for it.  At 50 you are balanced.  

So when you feel yourself controlling, seeking approval, or judging others, it might be time to step off of the gas a little.  And when you know your boundaries have been crossed and your soul does not sit right with your situation, maybe it's time to speed up and move along.  Either way seek balance, not perfection, and stay flexible :).  

~Namaste

God dwells within you as you

I'm a BIG work in progress and I am far from perfect.   (I know an obvious statement right, but I feel it is necessary to pretext what I have to say.)  

Have you ever seen that movie "A Series of Unfortunate Events"?  Yes, no? Well, that's not important... the point is at one point in time I felt like that was becoming my life.  Yes of course, I didn't have real problems like hunger or water shortage, but for a privileged American trying to survive in this world, I'd say I deserve to call it a rough patch.

I can still remember the first time I met my therapist.  She was an older, hippy-like, soft spoken, but vibrant woman.  She wore bright jewelry, fun patterns, and tennis shoes (of course keeping her heels under her desk JIC - that's just in case for my non-tech savvy friends).  Her name was Nan, which was very appropriate.  Something about nasally consonants and soft vowel sounds to sooth the soul, right Mom?  

Nan's first suggestion was that I learn to accept that a higher power was watching over me- that I was taken care of and loved beyond all human calculation.  A lesson I had indeed been greeted by many a times, but it was different this time.  I was ready for it.  

Over the span of the following couple of years I became a witness to my own journey to find God.  And while my interpretation may not sit well with everyone I know or meet, that does not matter because I have no doubt in my heart anymore.  I have felt the power of acknowledging that God dwells within each and every soul on this earth and I have benefited from its miracles.  

While it may seem like I spend most of my days making an asana of myself (yogi-joke) there's more to being me than maybe expected.  We all dwell in our own minds all of the time, which is what makes us kick-ass individuals but also what takes some of us straight down the drain of self-destruction and demise.  

Here recently, I have noticed myself becoming more in tune with the people around me.  No I don't mean that I am acting as a puppet and stringing up to whatever quartet is being orchestrated  (I tried that once and ended up married).  Instead, I am becoming more aligned with the bigger picture.  

I would love to say that yoga is how I got there, because I want everyone to feel the joy of having a relationship with their body rather than constantly rejecting it, but I can't let pranayama and asanas take all the credit for the life force I am talking about.  

Law school helps.  I am a good student, but I am able to grasp the concepts in law school with ease because I understand how to see the bigger picture.  Law school for me has been one big picture test after another.  

I've also got to give credit where it is due for a couple other great gurus- my angel Catherine Coon who fell into my life at the perfect moment and always seems to shine light on what I need to see when I need to see it, Don Miguel Ruiz & Jon Kabat-Zinn- whose words guided me toward a better understanding of myself, and my mother- with whom my relationship has taught me that to love unconditionally you must see the bigger picture, step outside of yourself, and forget what the world has to say about how things should or shouldn't be.  

When I share my beliefs and experiences with others I am sometimes greeted with dissonance.  I have to remind myself not to get offended by the mood swings and defensiveness.  I think I've pinpointed the root of this finally.  I speak with authority, which did wonders for me in education because a writer with a voice has a better chance of getting a better grade than a writer with a self-esteem complex.  Speaking with authority has its downfalls.  I look back at some of the things I've said or wrote or posted and think about how full of shit I was or how ignorant I really was, but that's past tense.  The "now" of speaking with authority means that I am threatening to people who have different beliefs or dispositions.  

Here's somewhere I might offend some (if I haven't already)-  it is in my opinion (so not to sound authoritative) that people who become brash and confrontational in regards to beliefs and opinions are people who do not have strong and sound beliefs and opinions.  I don't get offended by others who see the world differently than me because i know we all have a different experience going on and I know that for me, right now, my beliefs are 100% correct.  Maybe later they wont be and I'll be different.  

I become weighted down sometimes with the responsibility to show others how to find a better life for themselves.  Finding more light than darkness.  Letting go of the bullshit societal woes and foes.  I also get lonely and bored sometimes, not the kind of lonely that you fix by surrounding yourself with people, no I have great people in my life and great relationships.  Instead, it's the kind of loneliness that is a symptom of looking into the world and seeing so much distance from what it is that makes us human beings- compassion.  

I think compassion is missing in a lot of places, but maybe more than ever, and more important than any other place- compassion is missing in our health with regards to the Self.  We've been covering up symptoms and casting out irregularities for so long that we don't remember what it is like to really see the human beings in front of us.  Doctors, hospitals, parents, and OURSELVES- we have all forgot how to treat a human body to make it feel better.  We let stress drive us to the point of medication so that we can find peace, but then it takes more medication to snap out of that peace (I write this while drinking coffee, which is just as much a drug as any other f'n substance).  We put our kids on medicine to keep them from being kids, buy them toys to allow us the freedom not to show them real love.  We do that buying shit with everybody.  We buy, and buy, and buy, so that we feel a little more whole.  We buy lovers flowers and jewelry and cars.  We buy ourselves name brands, and catalogue ready wardrobes, so we can fill the void that we've created by never really knowing ourselves.  We buy so much because we've forgotten how to just look someone in the eyes and just say we love them.  (When was the last time you told yourself I love you? ever?)

Our doctors don't touch, don't see, don't hear- they just pull their lever in the big machine that we call medicine, another brick in the fucking wall, a modern day Berlin.  Don't change your diet, take medicine.  Don't fix your happy, take medicine.  Don't align your spine, have surgery, take medicine.  It's a joke.  They're just fueling the disconnect that we have with ourselves and with the world.  The more we get out of line with what our bodies and souls are supposed to feel like, the less we are able to acknowledge anything but our physical feelings and pleasures and pains.   Which is why some people all together forget that there is a world around them occurring and seem so wrapped up in themselves that they eventually just figure out how to disappear.

There are more "God-fearing & loving" hedonists in this world, than anyone who ever wrote a canon intended there to be.  I get lonely sometimes because I haven't figured out how to balance the level of consciousness I want to exist on with the ways of the world and life.  I don't know how to mesh and mold around being a superior and pure soul with being a successful human being.  I think the problem I have with it mostly is that I can't just exist without saying anything. 

I want to inspire and teach and lead others to feel better and more importantly feel something besides themselves, to feel and acknowledge the many miracles that God puts in front of us every day to remind us that we are loved.  I see the light in everyone I meet.  I see the potential and the graciousness and the goodness.  I see the honesty and integrity of how peoples' actions truly are a direct reflection of their mental anguish.  I see the big picture with people and when you can do that you can look past any imperfections, be they your own or another's.  

It hurts my heart sometimes to be met with such dissonance when I am just sharing my truth.  but there's a bigger picture to that too.  I crave acceptance from people who I will never get acceptance from because of family relationships.  I have to consciously avoid making decisions from a place of fear, and one of those decisions is to be an active reminder to myself that I can't take it personally when people get defensive towards my way of thinking.  My truth is authentic, and it is my own.  I don't have to infect anyone else with it, because for all I know a year from now I will think I was wrong.  But if I'm not wrong, and this big picture stuff- not taking things personally, loving unconditionally, and being a compassionate warrior- is the way to true freedom, well maybe those who are being so distant just aren't ready for it yet.  

I love to teach and share because I want to fix the people I love, which is probably impossible.  You know the saying -Blood is thicker than water- that might be one of the most moronic and overused cliches ever, I can't stand it.  I would instead say that Blood Ignites the Water.  and you can look at the Grand Canyon for proof of how powerful the persistence of water can be.   

So maybe all of this mumbling is just my way of getting over the way some old lady treated me at the bead shop when we got on the subject of health and wellness, another story for another time.  Or maybe this rambling is my way of explaining a phenomena that I have observed occurring in my life- that the things that have pained me the most, have turned out to create some of my most favorable of characteristics in my soul's path.  That although I can not make the world just as I wish it would be, my attempts are not in vain because the ripples of compassion are far greater in water than they may be in thick blood. 

I am eternally grateful for every guru in my life, the good and the bad,

I love you all so much.  

Maybe it is because of you that one day I could be somebody's Nan.