Beware of Your Ugly Little Troll

The ego is that ugly little troll that lives underneath the bridge, between your mind and your heart.  (Gael Greene)  The ego is subtle, it's not as vivid as the humorous prior description.  The subtle effort of the ego cannot be dispelled by the use of more effort.  When we use effort to try to eliminate the ego we just end up frustrated.  Deepak Chopra says if you want to reach a state of internal bliss, then go beyond your ego and internal dialogue.  Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge.   Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time.  

Controlling situations, seeking approval, and judging others are not conditions we are inherently given as a birth right.  They are responses to pain and turbulence in our life.  So it is natural for the mind to say, Wait a minute!  that's how I protect myself, and it's true. Those three devices probably are the way you have learned to protect yourself from feeling pain "caused by others" (in quotes because the pain is actually your reaction to the other person and has nothing else to do with the other person).  However, when you are able to let go of those three things, let go of the worldly ego, you will not be affected by the way others want to look at, treat, or interact with you.  By acting from a place of the true ego, our Divinity, we are able to be true actors rather than existing in the fog of the reactors.  Understand that when someone is treating you poorly they are most likely reacting to something that has nothing to do with you, and that is their karma.  Your karma is how you choose to react to their behavior.  Your karma is not to fix or change that other person, but to remain at a place of balance, equanimity.  

It is important to remember in life, and in yoga, that we must always practice ahimsa, non-harming/non-violence towards the self and others.  Practicing ahimsa is what keeps us from being a doormat, but also what keeps us from tearing ourselves apart over every little imperfection.  You will have days that you are moody and judgmental, days that you eat too much refined sugar and have entirely too little activity, but that's okay.  What's not okay is keeping people in your life forever for the sake of "controlling the situation" or keeping up appearances when you know that it is not well with your soul.  Now if you are in a toxic relationship with someone you might be thinking to yourself that the other person, the one who has a drinking problem or a problem with screaming foul things at you all the time, that person is the one who has the selfish, narcissistic problems.  An examination of the ego will tell you other wise.  

Remaining attached to toxic people, in hopes that we will change the other person's behavior is selfish and narcissistic.  You are only in charge of the way you act and only have responsibility over your own happiness. By remaining in situations that tear down the fabric of who we are as individuals we allow another person to consume all of our energy, to the point that we no longer have a life other than manipulating and controlling a situation that was never ours to control in the first place.  We become ugly little ego trolls.  So detach, find a place to exist where you and your beliefs do not have to be conflicted with the ways  of another, and allow that person to have the freedom to be their true self as well.  (Your partner has just as much of a right to be wrong as you have a right to be "right") 

Once again, the more we let go of what we think is ideal the better off we are able to become.  Being in touch with your true soul and spirit is a higher level of consciousness that allows one to be in every situation, experiencing the beauty and lesson, without being attached to the outcome, without dwelling on what might have been.  Imagine you are driving down a highway.  If 0 is doormat (not practicing ahimsa, letting others treat us poorly) and 100 is bull in China closet (being mindlessly controlled by the worldly Ego, consequently treating others poorly) you want to be at 50.  At 50 we are not playing "god", sacrificing our own happiness to control the lives of others, and we are also not so caught up in ourself and our physical body that we forget we have a soul to share with the people we love.  At 50 we are able to see the world as it is, not as we want it to be, and then be grateful for it.  At 50 you are balanced.  

So when you feel yourself controlling, seeking approval, or judging others, it might be time to step off of the gas a little.  And when you know your boundaries have been crossed and your soul does not sit right with your situation, maybe it's time to speed up and move along.  Either way seek balance, not perfection, and stay flexible :).  

~Namaste

God dwells within you as you

I'm a BIG work in progress and I am far from perfect.   (I know an obvious statement right, but I feel it is necessary to pretext what I have to say.)  

Have you ever seen that movie "A Series of Unfortunate Events"?  Yes, no? Well, that's not important... the point is at one point in time I felt like that was becoming my life.  Yes of course, I didn't have real problems like hunger or water shortage, but for a privileged American trying to survive in this world, I'd say I deserve to call it a rough patch.

I can still remember the first time I met my therapist.  She was an older, hippy-like, soft spoken, but vibrant woman.  She wore bright jewelry, fun patterns, and tennis shoes (of course keeping her heels under her desk JIC - that's just in case for my non-tech savvy friends).  Her name was Nan, which was very appropriate.  Something about nasally consonants and soft vowel sounds to sooth the soul, right Mom?  

Nan's first suggestion was that I learn to accept that a higher power was watching over me- that I was taken care of and loved beyond all human calculation.  A lesson I had indeed been greeted by many a times, but it was different this time.  I was ready for it.  

Over the span of the following couple of years I became a witness to my own journey to find God.  And while my interpretation may not sit well with everyone I know or meet, that does not matter because I have no doubt in my heart anymore.  I have felt the power of acknowledging that God dwells within each and every soul on this earth and I have benefited from its miracles.  

While it may seem like I spend most of my days making an asana of myself (yogi-joke) there's more to being me than maybe expected.  We all dwell in our own minds all of the time, which is what makes us kick-ass individuals but also what takes some of us straight down the drain of self-destruction and demise.  

Here recently, I have noticed myself becoming more in tune with the people around me.  No I don't mean that I am acting as a puppet and stringing up to whatever quartet is being orchestrated  (I tried that once and ended up married).  Instead, I am becoming more aligned with the bigger picture.  

I would love to say that yoga is how I got there, because I want everyone to feel the joy of having a relationship with their body rather than constantly rejecting it, but I can't let pranayama and asanas take all the credit for the life force I am talking about.  

Law school helps.  I am a good student, but I am able to grasp the concepts in law school with ease because I understand how to see the bigger picture.  Law school for me has been one big picture test after another.  

I've also got to give credit where it is due for a couple other great gurus- my angel Catherine Coon who fell into my life at the perfect moment and always seems to shine light on what I need to see when I need to see it, Don Miguel Ruiz & Jon Kabat-Zinn- whose words guided me toward a better understanding of myself, and my mother- with whom my relationship has taught me that to love unconditionally you must see the bigger picture, step outside of yourself, and forget what the world has to say about how things should or shouldn't be.  

When I share my beliefs and experiences with others I am sometimes greeted with dissonance.  I have to remind myself not to get offended by the mood swings and defensiveness.  I think I've pinpointed the root of this finally.  I speak with authority, which did wonders for me in education because a writer with a voice has a better chance of getting a better grade than a writer with a self-esteem complex.  Speaking with authority has its downfalls.  I look back at some of the things I've said or wrote or posted and think about how full of shit I was or how ignorant I really was, but that's past tense.  The "now" of speaking with authority means that I am threatening to people who have different beliefs or dispositions.  

Here's somewhere I might offend some (if I haven't already)-  it is in my opinion (so not to sound authoritative) that people who become brash and confrontational in regards to beliefs and opinions are people who do not have strong and sound beliefs and opinions.  I don't get offended by others who see the world differently than me because i know we all have a different experience going on and I know that for me, right now, my beliefs are 100% correct.  Maybe later they wont be and I'll be different.  

I become weighted down sometimes with the responsibility to show others how to find a better life for themselves.  Finding more light than darkness.  Letting go of the bullshit societal woes and foes.  I also get lonely and bored sometimes, not the kind of lonely that you fix by surrounding yourself with people, no I have great people in my life and great relationships.  Instead, it's the kind of loneliness that is a symptom of looking into the world and seeing so much distance from what it is that makes us human beings- compassion.  

I think compassion is missing in a lot of places, but maybe more than ever, and more important than any other place- compassion is missing in our health with regards to the Self.  We've been covering up symptoms and casting out irregularities for so long that we don't remember what it is like to really see the human beings in front of us.  Doctors, hospitals, parents, and OURSELVES- we have all forgot how to treat a human body to make it feel better.  We let stress drive us to the point of medication so that we can find peace, but then it takes more medication to snap out of that peace (I write this while drinking coffee, which is just as much a drug as any other f'n substance).  We put our kids on medicine to keep them from being kids, buy them toys to allow us the freedom not to show them real love.  We do that buying shit with everybody.  We buy, and buy, and buy, so that we feel a little more whole.  We buy lovers flowers and jewelry and cars.  We buy ourselves name brands, and catalogue ready wardrobes, so we can fill the void that we've created by never really knowing ourselves.  We buy so much because we've forgotten how to just look someone in the eyes and just say we love them.  (When was the last time you told yourself I love you? ever?)

Our doctors don't touch, don't see, don't hear- they just pull their lever in the big machine that we call medicine, another brick in the fucking wall, a modern day Berlin.  Don't change your diet, take medicine.  Don't fix your happy, take medicine.  Don't align your spine, have surgery, take medicine.  It's a joke.  They're just fueling the disconnect that we have with ourselves and with the world.  The more we get out of line with what our bodies and souls are supposed to feel like, the less we are able to acknowledge anything but our physical feelings and pleasures and pains.   Which is why some people all together forget that there is a world around them occurring and seem so wrapped up in themselves that they eventually just figure out how to disappear.

There are more "God-fearing & loving" hedonists in this world, than anyone who ever wrote a canon intended there to be.  I get lonely sometimes because I haven't figured out how to balance the level of consciousness I want to exist on with the ways of the world and life.  I don't know how to mesh and mold around being a superior and pure soul with being a successful human being.  I think the problem I have with it mostly is that I can't just exist without saying anything. 

I want to inspire and teach and lead others to feel better and more importantly feel something besides themselves, to feel and acknowledge the many miracles that God puts in front of us every day to remind us that we are loved.  I see the light in everyone I meet.  I see the potential and the graciousness and the goodness.  I see the honesty and integrity of how peoples' actions truly are a direct reflection of their mental anguish.  I see the big picture with people and when you can do that you can look past any imperfections, be they your own or another's.  

It hurts my heart sometimes to be met with such dissonance when I am just sharing my truth.  but there's a bigger picture to that too.  I crave acceptance from people who I will never get acceptance from because of family relationships.  I have to consciously avoid making decisions from a place of fear, and one of those decisions is to be an active reminder to myself that I can't take it personally when people get defensive towards my way of thinking.  My truth is authentic, and it is my own.  I don't have to infect anyone else with it, because for all I know a year from now I will think I was wrong.  But if I'm not wrong, and this big picture stuff- not taking things personally, loving unconditionally, and being a compassionate warrior- is the way to true freedom, well maybe those who are being so distant just aren't ready for it yet.  

I love to teach and share because I want to fix the people I love, which is probably impossible.  You know the saying -Blood is thicker than water- that might be one of the most moronic and overused cliches ever, I can't stand it.  I would instead say that Blood Ignites the Water.  and you can look at the Grand Canyon for proof of how powerful the persistence of water can be.   

So maybe all of this mumbling is just my way of getting over the way some old lady treated me at the bead shop when we got on the subject of health and wellness, another story for another time.  Or maybe this rambling is my way of explaining a phenomena that I have observed occurring in my life- that the things that have pained me the most, have turned out to create some of my most favorable of characteristics in my soul's path.  That although I can not make the world just as I wish it would be, my attempts are not in vain because the ripples of compassion are far greater in water than they may be in thick blood. 

I am eternally grateful for every guru in my life, the good and the bad,

I love you all so much.  

Maybe it is because of you that one day I could be somebody's Nan.  

 

Remembered

"Remember when we said where we'd be a year from now..."  -Across Five Aprils




A year ago I had committed to attending Oklahoma City University School of Law, easily persuaded by an extremely generous scholarship.  A year before that I hadn't made up my mind whether I would be going or not.  and A year before that I didn't know whether or not I was capable of making it sanely through the next month much less "go to law school".  I had settled into a lifestyle that was so self-indulging and easy that I slowly began to lose sight of what it was that made me feel alive, and what I needed to do to be the person I am supposed to be.

I think of these past few years now and can only have gratitude for the roller coaster my life became during my University Years.  I've made mistakes, oh have I made mistakes ha, but I'm glad.  I understand now why that is my way-of-doing things: trial and error.  In the words of Hendrick's, 

   "If I seem like I'm free, it is because I am always running".

Mistakes don't define you, rebounds do.  I learn things the hard way because I am a visual learner, I have to see it to believe it, but once I see it I can't forget.  Law school has been so much greater of a task than merely reading and writing and regurgitating.  It's an exposure to who you are as a brain, what you can do with thoughts and facts of life to make things better or different.  If I had to see my life, first hand, to figure out how to make it the best it can be, then praise God for giving me every situation that I've ever been through and the ability to process & retain with rapid success.  

Some people can be told how to approach life.  And good for them, I'm sure there is a much steadier and easier path in doing so.  Others have to see for themselves, we are born with an intimate curiosity for the world and what it means to be a part of it.  I'm fortunate that I have this curiosity.  Had I listened to all of the "influences" growing up, I would have definitely saved myself from some pain in the process.  But, I would have also missed out on a lot of greatness. 

Many of the things we are told are just flat out bull shit.  Sorry.  Much of what we are guilted into believing is the product of a society that is obsessed with conformity.  I had to go out and learn for myself to get in touch with my truth.  It may be different from what someone else believes, but I couldn't care less.  My truth is authentic, genuine, and innate from God- the experiences, the people, the life around me.  Its not a reciprocation of what I have been asked to believe my whole life.  

In learning the hard way I have had many tears, many heartbreaks, many times requiring I apologize, but I have also formed a basis for my beliefs.  I have formed a foundation of compassion that I have no doubt that I will share with others around me.  I have formed ideas about how to be a truly happy and successful person.  I have learned how USELESS money is when it is used to decorate yourself and your home instead of make the world around you a better place.  I have learned that I am capable of becoming whatever I want to be, through a unique narrow-mindedness that is stubborn but never selfish.  

Finishing the last few weeks of exams was just a reminder of how I feel fulfillment.  Emotionally, mentally, physically- law exams are draining.  But being apart of a group in preparation really is a special process.  I have always enjoyed this process, for the same reasons I enjoy teaching yoga, it shows the potential of those around you.  We get so comfortable in the "routine" of life that we forget to be excellent.  We forget that extraordinary is created by extra effort and attention.  When we are forced to harness that potential, we become unstoppable.  

People who are excellent at things are so because of their attention span and the way they apply themselves.  I've lived my entire life in a visual world.  I couldn't tell you the names of my kindergarten and first grade teachers but I can still see their faces.  I can still see the covers of the books that my first grade teacher stacked at my desk a week before AR points were due, as she kept me focused on reaching 100 points.  (I'm pretty sure I had about 20 pts. to go, and each book was worth .5 of a point.)  Maybe I should blame her for my ability to procrastinate and then work so well under pressure. ;)

My mother always told this story of when I was in pre-k or mother's day out, something of the sort.  I had learned how to tie my shoe over the weekend.  On Monday afternoon when I was being picked up, my mom was brought joy in learning that during the day I had taught a fellow tater-tot how to tie his shoe.  I always blushed and laughed when she told the story later in life but never really thought much of it, until recently.  

Learning the hard way, visually retaining the world rather than through communication, has made me love learning & even more so love teaching.  I will always share my experiences with the world around me in hopes that my visual-highs and lows can positively influence someone else who is a little less hard-headed and learns by communication.  

Skepticism is my way of figuring things out for myself, learning the hard way and along the way finding many disagreements with people who refuse to see the same light that I see.  I will always be chasing the truth, in my own way, making mistakes and finding some amazing and great things along the way.  It's a trial and challenge to second-guess the world around you, but it's also an opportunity for wisdom and knowledge- a curiosity that gives substance to back up beliefs.  So yes, if it seems like I am free because of my views and aspirations, it is only because I am running.  I am running towards a clearer understanding of what it is to be a human and how it is that one can actually make a difference and make a life worth while.  

Kudos to the curious, to the seekers of truth.  

Keep reaching for the light friends.  

XO



  

Utility

I'm tired of using social media to peek into other people's lives.  There's something that feels uninviting about the world we're creating online.  Using pictures and statuses, we interact at the bare minimum, choosing what we want others to see.  I'm shifting my social media focus from the outside to the inside. Rather than perusing through people pictures, unintentionally comparing myself to others, I am making the choice to start blogging in hopes that I will find more satisfaction within than I have found from objectifying the lives others.  

Most of what will be found on this blog will have to do with the two things I love the most: Yoga and Politics.  I'm sure law school will sneak into some posts as well.  For the most part, however, I want this blog to reflect my growth as a yoga instructor and student.  I want to share the light, wisdom, and beauty I have found in both teaching and practicing as well as discover new ideas while sharing my own.  I'm sure some life wisdom, or lack-there-of, will surface occasionally.  

Clarification:

Equanimity: a state of even-minded openness that allows for a balanced, clear response to all situations, rather than a response borne of reactivity or emotion.

Shiva: the supreme reality/the inner self (sanskrit)