"Remember when we said where we'd be a year from now..." -Across Five Aprils
A year ago I had committed to attending Oklahoma City University School of Law, easily persuaded by an extremely generous scholarship. A year before that I hadn't made up my mind whether I would be going or not. and A year before that I didn't know whether or not I was capable of making it sanely through the next month much less "go to law school". I had settled into a lifestyle that was so self-indulging and easy that I slowly began to lose sight of what it was that made me feel alive, and what I needed to do to be the person I am supposed to be.
I think of these past few years now and can only have gratitude for the roller coaster my life became during my University Years. I've made mistakes, oh have I made mistakes ha, but I'm glad. I understand now why that is my way-of-doing things: trial and error. In the words of Hendrick's,
"If I seem like I'm free, it is because I am always running".
Mistakes don't define you, rebounds do. I learn things the hard way because I am a visual learner, I have to see it to believe it, but once I see it I can't forget. Law school has been so much greater of a task than merely reading and writing and regurgitating. It's an exposure to who you are as a brain, what you can do with thoughts and facts of life to make things better or different. If I had to see my life, first hand, to figure out how to make it the best it can be, then praise God for giving me every situation that I've ever been through and the ability to process & retain with rapid success.
Some people can be told how to approach life. And good for them, I'm sure there is a much steadier and easier path in doing so. Others have to see for themselves, we are born with an intimate curiosity for the world and what it means to be a part of it. I'm fortunate that I have this curiosity. Had I listened to all of the "influences" growing up, I would have definitely saved myself from some pain in the process. But, I would have also missed out on a lot of greatness.
Many of the things we are told are just flat out bull shit. Sorry. Much of what we are guilted into believing is the product of a society that is obsessed with conformity. I had to go out and learn for myself to get in touch with my truth. It may be different from what someone else believes, but I couldn't care less. My truth is authentic, genuine, and innate from God- the experiences, the people, the life around me. Its not a reciprocation of what I have been asked to believe my whole life.
In learning the hard way I have had many tears, many heartbreaks, many times requiring I apologize, but I have also formed a basis for my beliefs. I have formed a foundation of compassion that I have no doubt that I will share with others around me. I have formed ideas about how to be a truly happy and successful person. I have learned how USELESS money is when it is used to decorate yourself and your home instead of make the world around you a better place. I have learned that I am capable of becoming whatever I want to be, through a unique narrow-mindedness that is stubborn but never selfish.
Finishing the last few weeks of exams was just a reminder of how I feel fulfillment. Emotionally, mentally, physically- law exams are draining. But being apart of a group in preparation really is a special process. I have always enjoyed this process, for the same reasons I enjoy teaching yoga, it shows the potential of those around you. We get so comfortable in the "routine" of life that we forget to be excellent. We forget that extraordinary is created by extra effort and attention. When we are forced to harness that potential, we become unstoppable.
People who are excellent at things are so because of their attention span and the way they apply themselves. I've lived my entire life in a visual world. I couldn't tell you the names of my kindergarten and first grade teachers but I can still see their faces. I can still see the covers of the books that my first grade teacher stacked at my desk a week before AR points were due, as she kept me focused on reaching 100 points. (I'm pretty sure I had about 20 pts. to go, and each book was worth .5 of a point.) Maybe I should blame her for my ability to procrastinate and then work so well under pressure. ;)
My mother always told this story of when I was in pre-k or mother's day out, something of the sort. I had learned how to tie my shoe over the weekend. On Monday afternoon when I was being picked up, my mom was brought joy in learning that during the day I had taught a fellow tater-tot how to tie his shoe. I always blushed and laughed when she told the story later in life but never really thought much of it, until recently.
Learning the hard way, visually retaining the world rather than through communication, has made me love learning & even more so love teaching. I will always share my experiences with the world around me in hopes that my visual-highs and lows can positively influence someone else who is a little less hard-headed and learns by communication.
Skepticism is my way of figuring things out for myself, learning the hard way and along the way finding many disagreements with people who refuse to see the same light that I see. I will always be chasing the truth, in my own way, making mistakes and finding some amazing and great things along the way. It's a trial and challenge to second-guess the world around you, but it's also an opportunity for wisdom and knowledge- a curiosity that gives substance to back up beliefs. So yes, if it seems like I am free because of my views and aspirations, it is only because I am running. I am running towards a clearer understanding of what it is to be a human and how it is that one can actually make a difference and make a life worth while.
Kudos to the curious, to the seekers of truth.
Keep reaching for the light friends.
XO
