Bitter-Fear-Face

Yesterday I saw a creative challenge on IG to write something everyday for 30 days.  It reminded me that I’ve only had a few “writing sessions” since I made a new year's resolution to write more.  So, on a blank piece of computer paper, I hand wrote: “March 2^nd: 30 days of writing-> my goal->”let it flow”.”   That was it.  & yes, I really drew the arrows.  Today I continued: “March 3^rd (sure did let it flow yesterday, Not.)”.  I realized handwriting is not going to work.

About a year ago, I found Instagram.  Since then, IG has taken on a strange presence in my life.  I blame the fact that I am a visual person.  When I study for school, for instance, I make elaborate charts/graphs/visual-assistants to prepare for exams.  I guess that’s why it seems intuitive for me to use IG as a motivational tool in my overall personal development.   I really love it.  That might sound cheesy, and I don’t care, IG has improved my confidence and hence improved my life and I’m not ashamed to say it.  But, don’t be fooled, IG didn’t become a “friend” overnight. 

At first, IG seemed like a place for people to boast and brag; a place for my “friends” to show off their newest expensive accessories an/or six packs.  I didn’t automatically feel inspired or motivated by pictures of skinny tan girls on the beach, I felt annoyed.  No wonder girls are so fucking negative and hateful about their bodies- we are held to unattainable standards and unachievable norms.  When I think back to my own thoughts on IG, just a year ago, I can relate them to my overall disposition on life.  

I was brand new to my new role in a brand new yoga studio.  I was having to come to terms with the fact that I did in fact live with my boyfriend, which was something I didn’t necessarily want to admit, given my shotty past (in case you aren’t aware, I’m borderline Taylor Swift).  I was unconsciously attached to the proposition that my performance in law school would inevitably determine the rest of my life’s success.  In essence, I was living in fear. 

Fear has many different faces.  One face of fear is terror, the kind that incites an involuntary scream.  Another face of fear is bitterness, the kind that incites an involuntary negative reaction to any stimulus.  I was bitter. 

Someone, whom I love very much, has said to me multiple times, “Life just really isn’t that fun is it?” – this is bitter-fear face. 

I do not mean to say that this one person is always bitter.  He or she is not.  I’m just giving a concrete example of something WE ALL say to ourselves from time to time that is demonstrative of a character flaw that needs to be addressed- FEAR. 

My first few months, or possibly the first year, of teaching I carried a lot of fear with me.  I would subdue this fear by inadvertently “kicking my classes ass”.  My brash-energetic-impulsiveness took my classes through some intense vinyasas that were too hot, too hard, & too cardio focused.  Here’s something that makes it all worth it though- my classes were like a porch light for all the anxiety-filled yogi-moths.  I got them hooked.  

As I have progressed as a teacher, and moved away from fear, I have learned to give my classes a more well-rounded and individualized experience.  Now, don’t get me wrong- I teach lot of 6 am classes, and I won’t pretend they are all gems, BUT I also teach a lot more privates now.  I’ve learned with my classes (particularly the small ones- because huge classes are just harder to provide with unique/individual help) and my private clients that I can’t let my emotions – be they fear or happiness or sadness- objectively affect my classes.  Subjectively I can’t really help it.  I know there are going to be bias and inclinations that bleed over.  But I can’t walk into a class with the object of getting everyone to burn 1000 calories.  

That’s my ego- my shit to deal with.  I’m fortunate that I met some awesome people who needed that ass kicking to fall in love with yoga, but that’s not my goal anymore.  I now just want to make everyone in my class feel a little bit better; even if it is .001% and lasts for 10 minutes- I’m successful. 

I’m thankful for the experience I had with fear over the past year in my yoga-teaching-practice.  I have no doubt that it will not be the last.  Letting go of fear- fear of people not liking me or my music choices or my sequences, fear of other teachers not liking me or judging me, fear of other people in “real life” judging me for my job- is liberation.  I am not only more comfortable in my teaching-practice, but I am more comfortable in my own skin and with my life in general.  I don’t spend my time thinking up ways that shit can go wrong.  I just try to see what is right in front of me and do the best with it.  & it works. 

My relationship fears were, and continue to be, an even bigger hurdle.  I share this, not to air my dirty laundry, but because I feel inclined to help people feel more comfortable with themselves.  It makes me feel better to know there are people in the world that I relate to, and if I can be that person for someone else, that is wonderful. 

I joke about never having kids, and I know I don’t mean it.  But sometimes the thought really does cross my mind.  One reason is that the older I get the more I realize that divorce has an implicitly damaging effect on a person’s ability to have healthy relationships.  I’m not saying that I think I will get another divorce.  But rather, my whole life I thought it was a good thing my parents got divorced.  It happened when I was less than able to cognitively remember life (2 years old), so it wasn’t a traumatic experience by any means.  

Recently though, especially in my own quest to have a healthy relationship, I have realized that divorce did affect me in a lot of ways.  So divorce itself is not so much what makes me worry about children, but rather INFLUENCE itself scares the hell out of me.  Kids are so easily influenced to develop hidden problems connected to the behaviors of their families and even the societies they are thrown into.  I just can’t imagine ever wanting to take on that kind of viable responsibility. 

My poor boyfriend, I’m an analysis machine.  It is easier for me to connect with facts and case law and UCC statutes than it is for me to sit down and have a talk about children or Love & Marriage (I can’t even internally take the shit seriously- my brain started singing the theme song).   Humans just seem so unpredictable and impulsive.  But we have the ability to change if and when we want to, so I suppose there is hope.

My hope for love lies in notions of self-observation.  I have to babysit my brain.  Let’s give my brain a name for a moment, Ayn Rand, yea that’s suiting.  You see Ayn picked up on childhood experiences and decided to become a CIA agent.  Ayn likes to jump to conclusions and concoct scenarios of deceit, out of evidence that does little to suggest such.  Ayn loves to go through other people’s personal shit- cell phone, cabinets, wherever the good stuff might be found.  Ayn also has a problem with accepting that people do things for reasons unknown to Ayn.  She is a real narcissist. 

I’m fortunate that Ryan loves me enough to put up with Ayn from time to time.  And let’s be real honest, she has probably held him accountable appropriately a couple of times as well.  But if I were to allow that side of me to control my every waking move, much like I was doing about a year ago, I would drive us both crazy (Ryan and I, not Ayn- that bitch already is crazy). 

When I was a teenager I needed someone to be going through my stuff, I was out of control.   Unfortunately, my emotional/coping cabinets were left untouched.  So I was externally probed, while internally I never really had any nurturing.  And I’m not blaming anyone for this.  I think intimacy issues go hand-in-hand with divorced families.  And like I said, my parents needed to get a divorce.  I have learned, that in order to overcome my relationship hurdles I have to practice self-observation.  And I think I am learning how to, somewhat efficiently. 

Mostly, I am just grateful that I have someone who loves me for all of my inconsistencies, someone who will work with me to temper my less than desirable characteristics.  Bitterness and fear held me back from understanding this paradigm for quite some time, but hey I’m only 24 this month so I’d say I’m catching up. 

Ayn makes her appearance in one other aspect of my life relevantly frequently, school.  She is judgmental, she has high expectations and she loves to compare.  If she ran the show I would either hate everyone and be “that girl” who people thought could possibly do harm to others if left unsupervised, or I would be so “loved” for a multitude of shams and cloaks that even an actress could not better fit the part.  I finally had a yogi say to me one day after class last year- What is it that makes you care about your grades, narcissism? 

That stuck with me, for a couple of reasons.  The most important- I don’t really care to be a 7am-7pm law firm associate.   If the last year has given me any foresight into the “career” path of my future, I will be helping people- normal people- live better, happier, more fulfilling lives, not helping a couple of partners fill their pockets.  Would it be awesome to beat myself up and make the very best grades possible to stroke my own ego, all the while knowing I have no intention of accepting positions that others will very valiantly be striving for?  Not really. 

Realizing that my grades were a reflection of my need to be the best, just for the sake of saying I can be the best, was a pretty awesome shift in the tectonic plates of my priorities.   While I have someone how maintained my GPA, it is the value of the knowledge that I am attaining now, that I appreciate more than anything.  I came away from finals last semester feeling as if I had really gained some pretty cool knowledge.  

In general, my ability to synthesize and make connections and patterns more vivid and apparent is increasing exponentially.   I have a newfound interest in the history and development of law, which makes me even more excited about understanding the direction our current public policy needs to be taking.   Letting go of my need to be a “perfect law student” allowed me to revert back to the student I was and have been for the past (almost) 6 years, a big political science nerd.

In the process of facing my career-fears, I’m pretty positive I sealed a fate that I wont end up working for anyone in our state’s top firms any time soon.  I’m also pretty positive that the moment I get accepted to the bar I am doing something yoga-intensive to cleanse my pallet from all the hogwash that comes along with becoming an attorney.  And while the crystal is not clear, it seems likely that my future will inevitably lead me to being politically involved.  Which some may think is a really scary thought, and maybe they are right.  

But hey, this life is what you make of it.  And I think it’s a fun, damn good ride J.  Follow me on IG, if you don’t already, for a daily dose of my insanity @whittyhaney…

Peace. Love. & Yoga my Ninjas,

Forever & Always,

Whitney Haney